Living in freedom or in a box

Yesterday was trigger day for me….

Pain from the past arose and an insight, of which I was not or not fully aware at the time.

What happened?

I got into a trigger in the now, which gave rise to a story from the past. A very old package that I had stored in my body. There was very free dealing with agreements in my relationship so that I was confronted with infidelity etc. I could feel that this was completely deep in my stomach, I felt that I was flying out of my body (kind of dissociating) and I felt a lot of shit coming out when I brought myself back. It really went all the way up. Tears, a scream, really an ugly cry …and that’s how I prefer them, because then I feel that I let go of something.

After or actually during my process, something completely different, unexpected came up, because I spoke out; ‘I had a boring group of friends’. That’s how it suddenly came out! Without thinking….. I actually wanted to get out of there, but it was also safe and cozy and with some of them I had a really nice nice bond. On the other hand, I also wanted to go on the adventure, rock and roll, do what I was afraid of and there came up an underlying piece. I chose a tough, free bird in the form of a friend. Tadaaaaaa there it was… my eyes opened wide, there was relaxation in my body, and I got a smile on my face……

I expressed my feelings to a specific lady and bammmmm there was a lot of mess coming up. Also appreciation and understanding for her behavior and beliefs and I could see where this came from. I saw where I had kept myself small and invisible. As if I were a butterfly that looked out of its cocoon and there was a gust of wind every time I wanted to fly out…

Then I put this situation on my current life; where do I have a belief that if I choose freedom, play and adventure, I will be cheated into it? That I am not allowed to live fully, because …… that if I let go of something that doesn’t serve and fully step into what I really want then…. Financially go under…. People think I’m weird… etc etc.

Man oh man, what a lot of beauty there is underneath our limiting beliefs and how do we shape our lives and make choices without realizing why.

Today I feel freer, looser, happier, more beautiful, happier and more myself. Above all, I have become wiser again, I have thanked my body for its wisdom because it indicates so well what is true …… I no longer make myself small and invisible, but I show myself, as I am.

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